Monday, May 20, 2013

Day 20. On the real side

Today's topic is: Something you're struggling with right now.

Guys, blogging everyday is turning out to be both wonderful and a tad bit more challenging than I anticipated. By a tad I mean  a lot.


This is not my struggle.

(It might just be me, and my South African history geekery, but when I say struggle I over-roll the 'R')

I'm not a big fan of writing about the tough things here, not because I want to look like I'm awesome, but this was never  a space for every single account of my life. It's a creative outlet or something...
However, I myself am big fan of reading other blogs and I just love that moment when you read an account and go "it's not just me!", "this person has problems too", "wow, what a different perspective".

So that's why I'll share a little of what I'm struggling with right now.  Along with shadows in my house, you could see the shadow snaps as a representation of some deeper meaning, or, just enjoy them as I am.

Wow, that's a lot of rambling without really getting anywhere. What is my daily struggle you ask impatiently?


In different aspects, and it's a fight in different ways.

The source is mostly found in the fact that I'm new at so many things.  Strangely not so much the wife part, I have a great confidence in being a new wife to the most wonderful man in the world. So that's an obvious new for me, but not a stRuggle.

Small things like not having a drivers license here, and not driving for over half a year is hard. Not having that freedom I've been used to for almost a decade is hard. The longer it takes me to just get around to doing the tests and getting the paperwork the harder it gets. Usually I just feel like an idiot for taking so long on something so simple.

I don't have the job I used to have, in a way I'm starting new or over. That's why I decided to intern while my green card was in process, taking the pressure off to just keep on working like I used to. I can't wait to feel that confidence in what I do everyday. Guys, this is possibly the biggest fight I've fought here.  Fighting with the impatience of why it's taking so long for me to settle. Wondering what I'm really good at. Longing for the days where I knew exactly what I was doing, whether it was selling a house, teaching a class or booking a travel package.  It's been a long time since I've had that.

People who've know me for a while are usually surprised at just how shy I can be. Being the new kid in town doesn't help with that. It's getting better honestly and so far I've met some really wonderful people. But I miss the confidence that comes from having solid friendships and a few at that. If you've never moved to a new place you might not know what I'm talking about, but trust me, appreciate it when you have your peeps around. Don't take it for granted!

I think back on the week before our wedding, we had a bit of a destination wedding, so a few friends and family members were able to come a few days before. If that wasn't one of the best weeks of my life! I just miss that.

Hmmm, I'm tired. Let's just end there. Of course, here is the disclaimer: I know this will pass, I know that through this weird process of rebuilding my confidence I'm learning about myself, America and  life. I know that there are way more difficult things to go through in life, and while this is very real to me at this stage of my life, I do also say Thank You a lot for what I do have. Which is so much, a ridiculous amount of wonderful. Focusing on what I'm thankful for is usually what get's me through the dark and heavy moments.

Other things that help:

Listening to this Sound of Music tune: I have confidence
Mostly because Julie Andrews can lift any a moody moment, and my life makes  more sense as a musical.

But on the serious side, I've listened to this song over and over: Oceans (where my feet may fail)
Because sometime I don't have the words to pray, and this reminds me where all real confidence comes from.

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