Thursday, April 3, 2014

Dual emotions, that's a thing right?

So, as I'm typing this I'm supposed to be a few hours away from landing in Spokane, where I was supposed to get of my third plane after +35 hours off traveling to be swept up in my super hot husband's arms...

but, I'm still here, on a mild Jo'burg early Fall evening in my parents guest bed room, thinking way too much and feeling all over the place. 

I'm so thankful that I get to be here, that I get to spend lazy late afternoons drinking wine on the stoep with my parents, dressing up barbies with my childhood friend's daughter, eating more braaivleis than I have in the past 17 months combined. 

I'm missing Ben like crazy, it's being apart like this that helps me see more clearly that "home" really is where we are together. It was a cheesy thing I'd say before we got married, but now it's more true than ever. What a gift it is to feel like that about someone. 

I'm furious and stressed out by travel arrangements gone wild with a certain German airline strike. 

Mostly trying to find some kind of golden and perfect way to fully appreciate being here, because I know once I go home I'll miss these times and I'll have to find another golden and perfect way to not get too down about not being here and fully be appreciative of other things. Does that even make sense? 

Isn't it strange, to be so happy and so sad at the same time. Please forgive the melancholy tone here, but it's something I face a lot. I'm not looking forward to having to say good bye to amazing family and friends here, but I can't wait to get off that plane to be home with Ben and the new life I'm building for myself in the US. 

It's because of this reality as an 'expat/ immigrant/ foreign bride...' that I try my human best to drink in every moment of those truly spectacular times. You know those? They're not hard to miss. My birthday a few weeks ago was such a day. A weekend away with my family, all the favorites, Ben, parents, little sister there. A game farm, a ridiculously slow and spontaneous 10km road race, wild animals and wild kittens. Coming back to spend a short time with friends I've not seen in long months, but make me feel like it was just the other day that we had our last glass of wine/cup cake/walk in the botanical gardens together. 

Here are a few (still) unedited photos of that weekend.

“And I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, 'If this isn't nice, I don't know what is.”

― Kurt Vonnegut


  1. Yes, it makes lots of sense, Lanette. I'd feel the same way. Even now when I feel sad that I'm far from my friends and family I always hear my own voice in my head: "But you're with your best ever friend and husband - you should be happy!" and I know I should. But this happy-sad duo never really leaves me. At home I miss Ben, here I miss home. If only we could just be there together or have everyone here all the time :-)
    When I heard about your airline misadventures I thought I wouldn't know how to feel. On one hand, it's awesome you're home and not just stuck in Germany or somewhere else, so you get to see everyone for a few more days. At the same time when you're already in the traveling mood and Ben is away - not so fun at all.
    My long note just means to say "Have a safe trip (try number 2) and I'm excited to see you here!"

    1. Thanks for this lovely comment, I actually thought of you as I wrote this thinking that you're the person I know that would understand this the best. You're right, I didn't know what to think with all this airline trouble.
      We'll plan something fun soon and have a proper catch up, I can't wait! xx

  2. It definitely makes sense. I would be torn in two as well--on the one hand from your photos you're having an amazing and blessed time in home #1, and thank goodness you aren't waylaid halfway around the world because of the strike. But I'm sure you're incredibly homesick for home #2 as well! I hope things get sorted out soon for you!

    1. Yes! I'm so thankful that this didn't happen while I was stuck in the German airport! I wouldn't even have been allowed to leave the international section because I don't have a visa, so that would have the absolute worst. I like how you mention home 1 and 2, it's nice to think about it that way ;)

  3. That makes complete sense. Sorry the strike affected you! Was crazy being at Frankfurt airport and SO many flights were just cancelled. Really unfair.

  4. I should check that I sign into my google account before commenting ;)